Where does shame come from?

Many of us grow up learning, often without anyone meaning to teach us, that certain feelings, needs or parts of ourselves are unacceptable.

Perhaps you were criticised, compared with others or expected to be the 'good' child. Maybe there was little room for anger, sadness or vulnerability. You may have learned that love had to be earned, that your needs came second or that making mistakes meant disappointing other people.

Over time, these experiences can become part of the way we see ourselves.

Instead of thinking,

'I made a mistake',

we begin to believe,

'There is something wrong with me.'

This is the voice of shame. Living with constant shame and self-criticism can sometimes contribute to depression. Many people refer to this as their inner critic - the part of them that constantly judges, compares or tells them they are not enough. For some people this shows up as perfectionism, believing that mistakes make them less worthy or less lovable.

Constant comparison often keeps low self-esteem alive. We compare our worst moments with other people's best moments and conclude that we somehow fall short.

Therapy can help you understand why your mind does this and gradually develop a kinder, more realistic relationship with yourself.

The masks we learn to wear

Many people develop ways of protecting themselves from rejection.

You might become the one who always keeps everyone happy, the person who never asks for help, the high achiever who feels they must always succeed or the calm, capable person who never lets anyone see them struggling.

These ways of coping often develop for good reasons. At some point, they may even have helped you feel accepted or safe.

The difficulty is that we can become so identified with these roles that we lose touch with other parts of ourselves.

Sometimes people tell me,

'I don't even know who I really am anymore.' If this resonates with you, you may also find my page on Identity, Authenticity & Finding Yourself helpful.

Finding your way back to yourself

Therapy is not about creating a perfect or completely different version of yourself.

It is about becoming more aware of the different parts of you, understanding where they came from and deciding which ones still belong in your life today.

As we become more accepting of ourselves, we often discover that we no longer need to hide so much. We become freer to express our thoughts, feelings and needs without constantly worrying whether they will be accepted.

Many people describe this as feeling more authentic, more grounded and more themselves.

My approach

I work in an integrative and relational way, recognising that our sense of self develops through our relationships with others.

Together we may explore the experiences that shaped the way you see yourself, the beliefs you have developed about your worth and the strategies you have used to gain acceptance, avoid rejection or protect yourself from emotional pain. Many people spend years trying to become ‘good enough’. Therapy often begins with questioning the belief that you were ever not enough in the first place.

I am not interested in helping you become someone different.

Instead, I hope to help you understand yourself more deeply, reconnect with the parts of yourself that may have become hidden and develop a kinder relationship with who you already are.

I've found that genuine self-esteem rarely comes from trying harder to become worthy. More often, it grows as we begin to realise that our worth has never depended on being perfect.

My understanding of self-esteem, shame and identity

I don't believe self-esteem is simply about feeling more confident. Often we judge ourselves based on the ways we once learned to protect ourselves from rejection.

For me, it is about the relationship we have with ourselves.

Many of the people I work with have spent years believing they need to achieve more, please more, give more or hide parts of themselves in order to be accepted. Over time, they lose sight of who they really are beneath these protective strategies.

I see shame not as evidence that something is wrong with you, but as a painful belief that developed through your experiences and relationships. Like many protective responses, it once made perfect sense.

Therapy is not about creating a new identity. It is about understanding yourself with greater honesty and compassion, so that you no longer have to organise your life around fear of rejection or not being enough.

For me, healing begins when you realise that you are not the critical voice in your head. You are the person who has been listening to it for many years.

Living more authentically

As therapy progresses, many people notice that they become less concerned with meeting everyone else's expectations and more able to listen to themselves.

This doesn't mean becoming selfish or never doubting yourself again.

It means gradually developing the freedom to live in a way that feels true to who you are, rather than who you believe you should be.

If you have spent years feeling not good enough, disconnected from yourself or uncertain about who you really are, therapy can offer a safe and accepting space to begin finding your way back to yourself.

You may also find these pages helpful