We don't become who we are in isolation

Our identity develops through relationships.

From the moment we are born, we begin learning who we are by how other people respond to us. We discover which emotions feel acceptable, whether our needs matter, whether we are safe to be ourselves and what we need to do in order to feel loved, accepted or protected.

If you grew up feeling consistently seen and understood, you may have developed a strong sense of who you are.

If you didn't, you may have learned something very different.

Perhaps you became the one who always stayed strong. The one who never caused problems. The achiever. The peacemaker. The carer. The person who always put everyone else first.

These identities often begin as ways of adapting rather than conscious choices.

Living according to other people's expectations

Many people don't realise how much of their life has been shaped by trying to meet other people's expectations.

Over time they stop asking,

'What do I want?'

and begin asking,

'What should I do?'

Therapy offers an opportunity to rediscover your own voice.

When survival becomes identity

Many of the ways we cope eventually become part of how we see ourselves.

People-pleasing may become 'I'm just a caring person.'

Perfectionism becomes 'I have high standards.'

Never asking for help becomes 'I'm independent.'

Keeping emotions hidden becomes 'I'm just private.'

At one time, these ways of being may have helped you feel safe.

The difficulty is that we can become so identified with them that we forget they were ever adaptations in the first place.

We no longer know where the coping strategy ends and where we begin.

Life transitions

Our sense of identity is often challenged during periods of change. Many people don't only lose touch with themselves. They lose their sense of purpose.

Becoming a parent, leaving a relationship, changing career, retirement, children leaving home, illness or bereavement can all leave us asking,

'Who am I now?'

Sometimes these questions emerge during midlife, when old identities no longer seem to fit.

Therapy can provide space to explore these questions without needing immediate answers.

Therapy is not about discovering a completely different person

People often talk about 'finding yourself.'

I see it slightly differently.

I don't believe there is one perfect or authentic version of you waiting to be discovered.

Instead, I believe therapy helps us recognise the different parts of ourselves that have developed throughout our lives. Some still serve us. Others may have outlived the purpose they once had.

As we begin to understand them, we have more freedom to choose how we want to live, rather than simply repeating old patterns.

My approach

I work in an integrative, relational and trauma-informed way, recognising that our sense of identity is shaped by both our relationships and our experiences.

Together we may explore the beliefs you've developed about yourself, the roles you've found yourself living and the ways you've adapted in order to feel accepted, loved or emotionally safe.

Sometimes this involves understanding the past. Sometimes it means paying attention to what is happening in your life today. Sometimes we notice what your body is communicating through anxiety, tension or a sense that something doesn't feel quite right.

There is no pressure to become someone different.

Instead, my aim is to help you understand yourself more fully, so that your choices become increasingly guided by who you are rather than who you've learned you have to be.

My understanding of identity

I don't believe identity is something we simply possess.

I believe it is something we gradually develop through our relationships, our experiences and the ways we have learned to survive.

Many of us spend years believing that the roles we play are who we are.

The responsible one.

The strong one.

The successful one.

The people-pleaser.

The perfectionist.

Yet these are often the ways we once learned to hold ourselves together.

For me, therapy is not about becoming somebody else.

It is about gently separating who you are from the strategies you've developed to cope with life.

As that happens, many people discover a greater sense of freedom, authenticity and self-acceptance.

Coming home to yourself

Living authentically doesn't mean never doubting yourself or always knowing exactly what you want.

It means becoming increasingly able to recognise your own thoughts, feelings and needs, even when they differ from other people's expectations.

It means making choices that feel true to you, rather than simply familiar.

If you have lost touch with yourself, feel uncertain about who you are or find yourself living according to everyone else's expectations, therapy can offer a space to slow down, make sense of your experiences and gradually reconnect with the person you are becoming.

Many people come to therapy hoping to become a better version of themselves.

I think something different often happens.

As we begin to understand ourselves more deeply, we often discover that we don't need to become someone else. We simply become more fully ourselves.

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